Earlier this year, I got hooked on many of David Brooks’ (NYT Columnist) recent talks and interviews. I learned about “Adam I” and “Adam II”, a concept written in Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik’s The Lonely Man of Faith, quoted by Brooks in many of his talks. Essentially, Adam I denotes one’s self that craves success, seeks to conquer and challenge, out in the world marching forward and exploring, the self that pushes boundaries and builds an outstanding resume; Adam II denotes one’s self that longs for connections, companionship, intimacy, and a sense of coming home, seeks to love and be loved, surrenders to vulnerability and something or someone outside of “self”, the self with values that make for a great eulogy. These two Adams are in constant battle with each other, because they apply opposite logics and subsequently create deep conflicts within one’s self navigating through life.
Since graduating college four and a half years ago, I went through the following phases of post-college adult life in a western country far away from home, from 1). securing employment after school to be financially independent, to 2). seeking meaningful work beyond a paycheck and long hours, and deciding to move to a different part of the country for that purpose, 3). and to these days, attempting to explore life beyond work and achieving (something I’ve been too used to for years)—increasingly rare meaningful connections, characters, relationships, growth, self-acceptance, vulnerability, courage, resilience, wholeheartedness, honesty, joy, trust, and love. I reflect on the above transformation I went through over the years, thinking of the Adam I and Adam II within my own self, as well as these 2.5 years living in San Francisco. I’m not only grateful for a fuller life in this city, building deeper and more lasting friendships with friends old and new (something I never really experienced in the US), being able to support one another in times of ups and downs, but also for my own growth and realization of what’s important in life much more than professional development or achievements.
So a few days ago, I started writing about my own Adam II experiences— At the end of my life, I look back and would be proud of myself for
having trusted, over and over and over again
having been hurt and taken the time to heal
having loved, over and over and over again
having opened up, over and over and over again
having pushed my own boundaries to find out what I’m comfortable with
having gone through dark times but trusted that life will lead me out
having experienced and learned my own lessons
having given
having forgiven
having established quality connection that lasted for a long time
having been honest
having had many conflicting thoughts and perspectives, and been comfortable with that discomfort
having been vulnerable
having lived wholeheartedly
having given it all
having not regretted giving it all
having been eclectic
having felt unworthy, worthy, not enough, enough.
having fought for someone that I thought was worth fighting for (regardless of the outcome)
having acknowledged my fear and used my words to shine light on it
having been playful and profound, giggly and serious
having laughed, non-stop, to the point that I had to escape the scene to contain myself; and this happened many many many times
having been charmed and charming
having been enchanted and enchanting
having been chased and chasing
having been begged and begging
having been in the position of powerlessness and power
having been bold and full of fear
having not really changed my core that much (trusting, warm, genuine, idealistic, passionate, nurturing, loving, non-judgmental, well-rounded, eclectic) — and this is despite having been hurt, betrayed, and grown up in a difficult home
having not only sought intelligence but also wisdom and depth
having absolutely loved music
having created, nurtured, cared (sometime excessively), and been kind
having imagined the future (extensively)
having realized only the present counts
having fought, resisted, given in, and pushed boundaries
having refused to accept, and then accepted
having been in deep pain and despair
having experienced pure joy and had a ton of fun
having thought, really thought
having chosen not to think
having over analyzed and thrown my arms in the air and said “fuck it”
having honored myself
having honored my feelings
having expressed my feelings to others in a relatively kind way
having honored my instinct and desire and needs and wants
having been courageous
The list above is one way for me to exercise self love, self acceptance, the “I’m enough” mentality, and to become more courageous — one of my goals this year. Many of them are in the context of other people, and I have no doubt that with more life experience in the future, I have much to learn, grow, and transform. Who knows, maybe a year later, some thoughts and perspectives will change again. Some sources of learning come from the following reading I started this year:
2. Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability, shame, and courage: Daring Greatly & The Gifts of Imperfection
3. David Brooks talks: The Social Animal, Should you live for your résumé … or your eulogy?, Aspen Ideas Festival interview with Katie Couric, the book The Social Animal
4. We’re All Terrible at Understanding Each Other (HBR article) and No One Understands You and What to Do about It by Heidi Grant Halvorson (a book I’m currently reading).
5. Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives by David Eagleman
6. Love Is Walking Hand In Hand by Charles M. Schulz (Snoopy & The Peanuts series)
7. The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein
9. Ironically by O.G.Rose (friends)
10. Religion for the Nonreligious and many other Wait but Why goodies.
11. Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1 by Neale Donald Walsch
12. Parker Palmer’s Naropa University Class of 2015 Commencement Speech:
“Take everything that’s bright and beautiful in you and introduce it to the shadow side of yourself… When you are able to say, ‘I am … my shadow as well as my light,’ the shadow’s power is put in service of the good.”
etc.
Ruika
12:20am EST
11/26/2015 (Thanksgiving Day)
Bethany, Connecticut, USA
